I CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

fuck.. i can't do shit anymore and NO ONE will help me actually get the things that i need to actually succeed. i don't know what the fuck people want from me. i've taken and PASSED the damn knowledge test for my driver's permit at least 4 fucking times, i paid OUTTA POCKET for behind-the-wheel lessons SINCE THAT'S WHAT THE COURAGE CENTER'S INSTRUCTIONS FOR ME WERE WHEN THEY FAILED ME ALL THE DAMN TIMES I TOOK THEIR DRIVING TEST. the last guy that i took behind-the-wheel lessons said i was SAFE to drive, i just needed to get a vehicle to take the driving test. i told brian that and he used the excuse, "i can't buy an unlicensed driver a car." so i just asked the ics worker this morning AGAIN today to assist me in getting my license again since logan (a guy who used to be an ics worker here) said that zen would help me get it again since he wasn't gonna be working here anymore.. zen hasn't helped me because he usually doesn't even work as my ics worker when i'm working with ics workers. ANOTHER FUCKING REASON WHY I WANT TO MOVE TO NEW YORK. THEY HAVE A MUCH BETTER TRANPORTATION SYSTEM. in fact, courage kenny always used the excuse that new york has a good transportation system since i want to move there- so they said i didn't even need my license! one problem with that- my temper will probably get me killed/shot if someone says something wrong to me on a day where i'm already in a bad mood. i don't know why the fuck people seem to just ignore MY NEEDS. i'm like EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON ON THIS PLANET. i KNOW there's worse drivers than me out there. for the millionth time- I was NOT the cause of my damn car accident. NO.. THE CAUSE OF THE FUCKING CAR ACCIDENT THAT I WAS IN HAS HAD HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK AGAIN ALONG WITH A VEHICLE FOR AT LEAST 10 FUCKING YEARS NOW AFTER KILLING A PERSON IN THE BACK SEAT OF THE VEHICLE WE WERE IN AND PUTTING ME IN A COMA FOR 6 MONTHS AND A WHEELCHAIR FOR A GOOD 15 YEARS. just ANOTHER thing i DON'T have in minnesota. half the fuckin jobs i look at on indeed REQUIRE a damn driver's license. i asked the ics worker today if he'd help me get my driver's license back again and he CLAIMED to me, "emily said we're not supposed to help with that." so eventually i got so irritated that i said, "FUCK EMILY." THESE ICS WORKERS HAVE NOT ACTUALLY HELPED ME WITH ANY OF THE GOALS I HAVE AND I THINK I'VE LIVED HERE FOR AT LEAST 3 YEARS. I SEE ALL THESE OTHER PEOPLE WHO NEVER USED TO BE ABLE TO DRIVE, ACTUALLY GET THEIR LICENSES AND CARS AND ARE ABLE TO DRIVE. i'm almost positive that my case manager CLAIMED the ics program would assist me in getting my driver's license back again. i haven't even made any steps to accomplishing my goals yet because it's too damn inconvenient for people to pay attention to my needs to make sure i'm happy. IT'S LIKE PEOPLE ARE ONLY SATISFIED WITH ME NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING ANYMORE. MY GRANDMA CLAIMED THAT "AMANDA HAS ALL THESE PLANS FOR YOU WHEN I DIE! SHE'S GONNA HELP GET YOU MOVED TO NEW YORK AND GET YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE AGAIN!" HAS SHE DONE ANY OF THAT? HELL NO. if i were dead- it wouldn't even fuckin matter if i had my damn license again. i'm beginning to wonder if that's what people want me to do and are obviously waiting for, since i do crazy things at times.. i don't even know why i'm still in this ics program if they're not helping me with ANYTHING that I want to get done. like i'm this stupid overconfident pawn that'll just keep participating in hopes they'll ACTUALLY do their damn jobs CORRECTLY.